Be the Light.

I don’t really do New Year’s resolutions but at the beginning of the year, this mantra dawned on me. And then it continued to manifest itself in different ways, so I started a thread on Twitter to keep up with everything.

But then I spent the next several months feeling anything but light, and it seemed that ‘let there be light’ was maybe more of a begging prayer than a truth. And that prayer began to sit on my whole body like a heavy weight. It made it hard for me to breathe. It made it hard for me to sleep, despite being exhausted. It made it hard for me to remember to eat. To work. To hang out with friends. To want to live.

How could I be the light when I felt so…dark?

So, I spent the first half of the year curled up in bed, not wanting to talk to anyone. Not wanting my dark to touch anyone, drown anyone the way it was drowning me. If you remember in the previous post, I mentioned ‘having out of the ordinary experiences with the feeling of being alone’; and so that’s where it began. I pushed people away. I cut people off. I replied to texts when I could, if at all. I cried…a lot. I wanted the feeling of being alone that I felt on the inside to match the outside because I thought that would help me make sense of what I was feeling. Something I had felt before.

Darkness is the absence of light. The same way black isn’t actually a color, it’s just it’s absence. It isn’t actually a thing on its own. It’s the result of the complete absorption of any visible light. All consuming. (Consider the light at the end of the tunnel never reaches the inside of the tunnel. No matter how bright the light or how short the tunnel.) So, how do you outrun something that doesn’t even exist without the thing you’re chasing?

I haven’t been able to fully figure that out yet. It’s been years of the same cycle but still being caught off guard by the spiral every time. But I still saw manifestations of this mantra everywhere, kept adding to the thread when I could. It feel like they were making an effort to be seen by me. And for a while, this little catalog of tweets was all I could handle.

So, I went slow and tried to show myself a kindness I didn’t feel I deserved: I gave myself a damn break. I worked on what I could, when I could, and told myself if I was still here tomorrow, I could do more tomorrow. And tomorrow’s continued to come and I continued to chase after the light, and myself, and this future that I wanted but couldn’t see.

And so, for now, I’m still going. I’m still adding to the thread. I’m creating again: working, writing, designing, running a business. Posting myself on Instagram. Loving hard on my people, hoping they love hard back on me. Being lit.

28.

Today is my 28th birthday. Perfect day for a relaunch/rebrand!

I’m not really into astrology the way I know some people are. I keep it simple. Knowing I’m a Leo, like most of your faves, is good enough for me. See: Obama, JLo, and Harry Potter. Squad goals, frfr.

But the past few ages/years have been a rollercoaster for me, so I thought it might be interesting to see if there was any significance to this age. Will I hit the lottery? Will my student loans magically disappear? Who can say?? 👀👀👀

So, first, I looked up the numerology for my full birth date: July 31, 1990. (Keep reading, I list my social security number and the CVC for my credit card, too…) Anyways, my life path number is 3. Creativity, wit, and charisma are my greatest strengths. I’m innovative, magnetic, and communicating comes easy to me. I’d make a great artist, marketer or writer.

Now…here’s where I started to roll my eyes. Yes! At the very damn beginning. Because that’s me. To a tee. This has always been my gripe with astrology. Horoscopes are most times so broad that it could apply to anybody if you tilt your head the right way. But Rihanna is a famous 3, so the price has gone up on the squad and now I definitely don’t know y’all.

The numerology page I visited digs deeper, telling your expression and birthday numbers, and some other shit. But I won’t bombard you on our first day back to school. If you’re interested, I googled numerology and landed here. No real rhyme, reason or method to my madness.

The breakdown of the number 28 itself is weird, in methodology anyways. There’s some addition and use of the Pythagorean theorem that identifies 1, 2, and 8. Words that jumped out at me the most:

1: self-determination, leadership, enthusiasm, aloneness

2: relationships, companionship, diplomacy

8: business, building, balance, realism

The tea is too damn hot right now! I know I’ll be able to elaborate more on why in future posts but know that I’ve been working on my relationships, launching a business, and having out of the ordinary experiences with the feeling of being alone.

Okay, let’s wrap it up, b.

Birthday 28 means a rational outlook, initiative, independence, and ambition. No doubts, no hesitation…wait, what?! This part doesn’t sound like me, tbh. But there’s some shit in the middle about me being a pushy, non compromising, basic Leo, or so they say. And then, THEN:

You should adjust your style of interacting with others. You simply need to admit that you are not the center of the Universe, and really need support at times.

Ugh, drag me, why don’t ya?